Killing Time...

This was a project that was supposed to be a dual project between my mama and myself. We had a laugh about two serial killers meeting on the road. I was to write about one who was an uber driver and she was supposed to write about the other who's a trucker. I'm still waiting on her part. Here's mine.

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Chapter 1Killing Time

"That's funny, isn't it? 
Just the thought. 
Of killing… time.
Of course, we all do it.
That's a fact.
The only question is how? 
How do we kill it? 
And it's a beautiful thing. 
That every moment gives us a new way. 
A new way to kill it.
But of course we all find ways to get trapped in old, habitual, slaughtering rituals. 

The religious people have their silly rituals. 
Drug addicts have theirs. 
Married couples kill their time doing what they do and so on and so forth. 

Now, professionals would say that I'm some kind of psychotic. 
But I'm here to tell you; as hard as it might be to believe. 
I am totally sane. 
I can tell that you don't believe me but well I chose this life. 
I chose… and choose every day that it's possible to move,  to kill someone. 

You see I used to never sit still as a child. Couldn't do it. 
Impossible. 
But my folks got me to see someone about it. 
A professional. 
Whatever the hell that is. 
And he said I had problems. 
Like not right in the head.
Mad.
That made me so mad. 

I began; immediately to work it in my mind. 
I worked it up to a point where I had a focused energy. 
Focused sharp as a diamond blade and then used that energy to decide. 
Decide right then and there! 
To sit still. 
I didn't move for 4 years. 

They ran tests and did all they could to make me move. 
They couldn't find anything wrong with me. 
But then, they came up with something that could be wrong with me.
Came up! 
Came up with it I say!
Came up with a wrongness. 
Maybe that's what a professional is.
Someone that makes up problems where non exist. 

But we love that don't we? 
To move only when something is wrong. 
If nothings wrong then we don't move. 
But I didn't move you see. I didn't move at all! 
I didn't move because I saw then that there was nothing. 
Nothing called wrong. 
Nothing called a problem. 
Nothing. 

But because a professional; a person that creates problems says something is wrong well then something must be wrong. 
Something must be wrong with someone who is completely in their right mind. 
Never been anywhere else but right in my mind. 
Now that's a sane mind!

But you see, where we differ is you get caught up by the nonsense that the world says you should. You should think this way and not that. You should know this, you should do this and on and on and on.

Do you see the insanity of it all?!
I mean it's utterly ridiculous to simply follow along with what any one other than one's self says or thinks! 
Because the experts make the shit up! 
You see it?! 
You see?! 
Yes. 
You see."

I looked deep into… Harold? Yes, Harold's eyes. I watched as the life drifted slowly . Wrung from his neck and choked out of him. As I choked the living source from his mortal coil. I stared into his eyes as they faded. A deep release gave me a chill that shot down my spine. I exhaled long and deep. 

I dropped the shell of Harold. I closed my eyes and heard the thud against the brick floor. When I opened my eyes a small trickle of blood had begun to run from his bald head.
 I stood. 
I stepped away from the trickle that had begun to pool. 

I searched him and grabbed his car keys and wallet. 

"I thank you for your patronage, sir."

I winked at the shell and giggled. How silly. Then I grabbed the trash from the can just behind the desk. I walked out of the front door and dumped the trash before going to his car. Harold's car. 

It's dirty but no problem. I throw a few things out of the backseat and then get in. 
I look at the seats and the dash. Look into the cup holders. Surprisingly little grime in them. Turned over the key. Didn't sound bad though so I checked the gas. Then I logged into the driver app.

@llenC@mpb3ll59
M@k3datGooWap

And adjusted my mirrors. Then drove off. Rain fell. 

Sunrise was still a few hours away, when I got a ping. 

"Oh nice!" 


I pulled up to see a family of three. A nice looking couple with a child. I smiled at them. The man packed his family into the car first then their luggage second. I could have driven away as he packed the luggage in the back.  
"You are Allen right?"

I smiled.
"Yes I am. You guys, the Pearsons?" 

"Yep, we sure are!"
It was then that I noticed the girl.

The girl could have been twelve or thirteen years old and should have been locked into her phone but was instead staring at me. At the back of my seat when she saw me look at her. Then back at me when she thought I wasn't looking. I began to wonder if she had the sense… 

Knowing is what I call a sense that some people have about others. They know when you don't follow the rules. They know when you're different. They know you. They know. 
But I know when they know. 
I smiled at the child long enough so that she saw it. She stuffed herself into her phone then. Texting frantically. I chuckled. 

The man got into the car. Harold's passenger seat, I remembered. 

"You guys were looking for a different car I know!"
 
"Oh, we barely noticed!"
 
Said the man. 

"We figured you were the guy. You stopped after all."
 
Said the woman. To which I simply grinned.

"Hadn't been out there long had you?" 

"No, not long at all." She said.

I smiled and said,

"Well buckle in for a long one. We'll be there in about an hour thirty." 

I’ve been told that I have a great smile, you know? Really disarming. But I was glad the small talk part of this was done. 
I hate that people feel they must talk during these kinds of interactions. But a sheep will follow the herd after all. And a wolf... 

We drove in silence for some time. Forty six minutes. The girl and woman had fallen asleep, I could see in the rear view mirror. Typically before I do it, I like to… check the vibe. 

"So, how long have you lived here?" 

"Oh we don't. We're from Brewton Alabama actually. I doubt you'd know it." 

I laughed to soften my inquiry. 

"Ahh see I was thinking Atlanta or Tennessee. But okay I hear it now. That's Brewton huh? That's what Brewton sounds like?" 

He smiled and gave me a weak chuckle. 
"Yeah, I suppose it does." 

He looked out at the water droplets along the window. 
I looked at him. Watched him. But the road kept steady all the while. 

"But really…" 
He began again. 

"Really this is more like a mask you know?" 

"A mask?." 

Now this was interesting.

“You mean like you don’t feel like you fit?”

They like when you confuse words and speak before you finish thinking about the meanings. So I did just that. 

"Well with my accent and where I’m from, I often feel… less than.”

Then he stopped. I watched him. My grip tightened on Harold’s wheel.

“It's like-like a- a shell that we wear around our real selves. Too afraid to show up as we are. Even though Jesus told us to do so. We are enough. Sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you this."

With lots of nodding and grunts of agreement I knew he was taken. 
Taken with the idea that we were on the same page. 
He would trust me to a new degree now. Simply because I had nodded and grunted to his thinking aloud. 

“Yeah, no I get that.”

"We're up here for her father's funeral and I've had to wear a-a mask the entire trip!" 

"Let me guess, family don't like you?" 

His lips tucked and his eyebrows rose. Then he smiled. 

"Yeah. "

He was still looking for a real explanation.
As if there were some mechanical process to reading his situation.
I laughed at the thought. But he read it I’m sure, as if I was laughing compassionately at his situation.

"Trust me–" 
I said,

"-brother, been there, done that. I know that look anywhere, man." 

They enjoy colloquial nomenclature. Man, Bruh, bro, cuz, homie, buddy, etcetera. 

And with that, there it was, the head bob, eye slant and shoulder drop. 
Relaxed. 
Calmed. 
Guard down. 
Vulnerable. 

"Man, bruh it's been hell. The whole thing! I mean I'm here ain't I? I'm here tryna support your sisters, your aunts and the whole damned family. Just like I've been doing! But they just don't-" 

"-Just don't see it." 

"Exactly!"

I shook my head in deep empathetic understanding. 
Then I tested it.
Tested the mask.
This would determine how the rest of this drive would go.

"Bruh, thing is our kind of love that we give from behind the scenes ain't what folk be looking for."

"That shit is crazy bruh for real though. Cause even though I don't make enough money to buy four plane tickets to Boston and back again–

"Wait, why four?" 

"We had to fly her daddy's body back too." 

"Damn!"

I say, then cover my mouth with a fist. A fist seems more fitting for the character I was playing. Allen. 
Allen covers his mouth with his fist and I gather myself after getting a bit loud. 
The girls didn't stir. 
They were out cold. 

"I'm saying bruh! He was in Bama checking in on us, then died on my couch, for me to have to pay to get him back to his family where he should have been the whole time! Instead of checking on us. Shit, really checking on me. Like I'm… Like I ain't no… "

He began to mumble something to himself.
I simply nodded in a knowing way and-

“Mmmm.”

"Not to mention. Not to mention-" 

Ohh that was good, he swelled and doubled up on the sentence fragment and put emphasis on the second time he said it. 
I liked that.
An exhaustive use of emotional energy does make one tired. 

"-that I also put some toward his funeral costs too. But even that…" 

He faded off and turned to look into the window. 
Into the water droplets. 
Into his thoughts.
He left the rest up to me.

"Aye man I feel it. But at least you're headed home finally. Soon, it’ll be over before you know it."

He nodded. 
I nodded.
He smiled. 
I smiled. 
I relaxed in the seat and that was it. 
He relaxed in his.
He leaned against the window and was asleep before I drove past the next exit.
Easy.

Chapter 2Dark Road
I watched the man. His eyes faded and drooped and he had fully fallen asleep when
I changed the angle of my phone screen to lean toward me, turned the volume down and took a few turns here and there to end up behind an old railway and a bleach plant. Then I locked the doors. The man began to stir as he felt the car come to a stop.. 

"You know, there's probably some better way to explain this extraordinary circumstance." 

I said.
He looked around; wiping his face, peering through the fog on the window, thinking; I suppose, that I was talking about construction or something of the like. 
He looked at me confused when he noticed and then stared at the blade in my hand. 

"But there's really only this." 

"Bruh, what the f-" 

I choked his chubby throat with one hand and sunk the metal deep into his lung. 
There was commotion and sounds of struggle; my seat bumped but I held onto his throat and stared into his eyes; watching the life fall away from him. 
He was clinging desperately to it:
 his life. 
His arms had been swinging wildly but began to get weak. 
That's when I saw it was time.

"What is a dream? I mean what is it?!" 

I shook his shoulder for emphasis

"What is a life? I mean we're here of course and we do as we do but what is the difference between a life and a dream?”

The girl had awakened and began to scream. 

“Surely a dream is a life on its own. We only have fragmented experiences of it. 
But the same could be said of life… don't you see?" 

I looked into his eyes as tears streamed from them and he died.
I left the knife in his chest.
From there, I took a deep breath and realized that it was silent. 
The girls were gone. 

"That's not good."

Harold’s car was older. So they must have just unlocked it somehow and slipped away while I was in my reverie.
There was a lot of ground to hide and run there. 
This was not good at all. 
So I began to drive. 
Windows down. 
 Looking for them. 
Listening for them.
After a while I heard somethin like a drumming. 

I looked and saw the mother running deeper into this narrow path toward the bleach plant. 
She was fast.
I leapt from the car window, the car rolled on.
I rolled, landed and dashed down the lane. 
I was catching up when she looked back at me. 
Screamed. 
Threw something. 
I caught the rock and kept running. 
She turned down a wider lane overgrown with tall grasses.

She was backing up toward a dead end. 
Sweat beaded down her pretty face. 
A single tear fell down her pretty cheek.
Her pretty lips trembled.
So did her long shapely legs. 
I hadn't looked at her before then truly but I knew from that moment on, that this was a bad bitch.
I said so. 

"You're very pretty." 

She spat at me.
It fell short.

“Get the fuck away from me you freak!”

She screamed.
I smiled and took a step forward. 

"I’m coming closer. And I want more than spit and a rock I'm afraid." 

She screamed louder and it rang and bounced off of the rusty metal walls that closed in around us.
She tried feebly side stepping to get around me but ran directly into me. 
She was tall. Taller than me.
I embraced her as she fought me; weakly. 
It made me smile.
I began to hug her.
 Oh the shape of her in my arms felt so sweet.
I hugged tighter.

"We all enjoy the frivolity of existence. Don't we? We get to enjoy the fruits of labor we hadn't done. We justify our shortcomings."

Tighter. 
She still punched at my ribs and pinched and bit me where she could. She drew blood from my neck.
Its amazing, even in survival, weak people are weak. She could have torn my throat out with her teeth or a chunk out of my face. 
But she simply writhed. 
Weaker and weaker every moment.  
My teeth were gritted now as I squeezed.

"We complain about the average. But the average is amazing if you think about it.But we don’t think about it do we? We always want more. Don't we?" 

I squeezed. 
Baring my teeth and she stopped screaming!

"But if we look into this thing. This now, this here-ness; we'll see that there is no time later for change. Because later doesn't exist. There is only now! 

That’s when I felt it. The light ‘pop’ of her spine in my embrace.

"And now is all there is and all that will ever be!"

I quickly repositioned my arms. 
Laid her pretty body on the ground. 
I wrapped my hands around her lovely neck. She wasn’t dead. 
Only paralyzed.
 
“Now, don’t go anywhere.”

I said as I stood looking at her with a smile. 
I’d bring her back and we’d all have a nice little family gathering.

She looked into me then and I saw all the familiar hate give way to fear as she realized what I was going to do. 
Then her eyes looked past me. 
That was new. I thought.
A burst of pain exploded in my right hip. 
Then again. 
I spun in a haze of confusion and sharp pain.
There stood the girl; knife in hand stabbing me in the chest as I looked at her in disbelief! 
I grabbed her hand! 

"This is not how this is supposed to go. Please stop." 

The blood made my hand slippery. 
She managed to escape and cut my hand too. 
I looked at my hand.
I looked at the blooming red on my shirt and pants.
I blinked. 

"There is pain. But suffering only exists in the mind."

My index finger was cut to the bone and a chunk of my thumb was hanging on by a sliver of skin. 
I tried to flex them. 
Both were stiff. 
The pain was excruciating. 
I watched as the blood gushed in pulses.
 Fascinating.
Life truly does exist in waves. 
I smiled at the thought and looked around to see I was alone again. 
The woman was there of course, her legs were paralyzed and probably her arms too.
 But she no longer interested me.
The girl. She was like me. I’d seen it in Harold’s car but I had not imagined anything like this.
I needed to speak to her.

"So the circus continues." 

Immediately, I found a bloody hand print along one of the walls leading to the car; which I hadn't considered. Hindsight is twenty twenty.
I stood in the narrow alleyway looking at the car; headlights blinding me.

"Another pivotal moment. 
One after another. 
Does Free Will exist? 
Are you free to choose in this moment, to walk away? 
In the face of harms from the near past and promise of harm in the present? 
Free to leave the anger you must feel the hate in your heart? 
Deeply engaged with the only sensation that is clear in your sight and in your mind? 
The only sensation in the here and now and simply let it pass?"

I spoke quietly, so I don't know if she heard me… probably not but the car shot forward.
 I leapt on top of the small car as it jammed and came to a sudden stop into the narrowing path. 
I held on.
Somehow I held on. Broken fingers and all.
It had taken me by such surprise that I had to catch my breath. 
I had flipped upside down on the top of the car, so rolled over to the right side up. 
My head was on fire. 
I hopped off the car to the driver seat.
Empty.
I looked around and saw a shadow slipping into the woods. 
My hip was tight and weak. 
I limped forward and smiled.

“This is interesting.” 
I limped into the woods after her. 


Chapter 3The Woods
I couldn't hear her. 
I thought she’d be crashing and smashing her way through the trees. 
It was a beautiful morning. 
The forest was quiet;
the air was crisp;
The sky was slowly brightening into a dark blue face with wispy airy clouds scattered about.
It made me smile. 

"Excuse me. Little girl!”

I yelled out.

“Please. 
Trust me, I understand your fears. 
But I assure you I am not crazy! 
Simply listen and you'll see!" 

I was sure she was near. 
Birds began cawing and crying for breakfast. 
I inhaled deeply and thought about how I felt like a child running through the trees of the front yard to catch the bus to school. It would be early just like this. 
Crisp and dim.

Suddenly it was plain as day. She was watching me. She was somewhere I couldn’t go.But she was watching and listening.

"Everything we are, is each other.”

I started.

“I wouldn't exist were it not for you. And you wouldn't exist without me."

Birds scrambled in a bush nearby.

"You give me understanding of myself don't you see? 
Because how can a higher know its high without a low? 

It wasn’t birds in that bush. 
I began to creep closer.

“How can light be light without darkness? 
How can silence be without noise?
You give me a chance to speak and I give you a chance to listen. 
To listen.”

It was happening. I would spring on her any moment now as she hid in that bush. 

“To Listen! To listen to reason.
Listen! Listen! Listen!”

I tore through the bush and revealed… nothing.
As I looked I knew she’d turned the tables and I was the hunt.
I smiled.
And then…
Silence. 

Next thing I knew, I rose and the fire in my head swelled and turned to a pulsing numbness. 
Warmth trickled down the back of my neck as I walked. 
I walked until the sounds of the woods ran through me. 
I was the beast. Then became the wood itself. 
I walked on
and became the wind. 
And kept walking. 

Chapter 4 Just In Time
The sun is up and it has become a beautiful day. 
I'm holding my good thumb out for a ride. 
No takers yet. 
But I'm hopeful. 
Oh here, a fellow has just pulled over.

"Hey there buddy. Where you going?" 

"Hi there. I'm not sure where I'm going actually." 

I smiled.
His face changed slightly when he saw my ragged hand.
I looked at it then myself.

"A hospital might be a good start." 

I said with a grin. 
They like that. 
But he didn't. 

"Mmhmm. Well I hope you make it wherever you're going."

He said before he drove off. 
I looked down at my hand and sighed before trying again. 
Surely that little girl would have reached authorities by now. 
So I began to walk. 
I walked down to a small corner store just off exit 78.

I grabbed a baseball cap off the hood of a car and entered the store. 
A bottle of isopropyl alcohol, a lighter, a knife, a bag of chips and a red t-shirt. 
I threw it onto the counter top. 
The clerk looked at me. 

“That'll be twelve ninety six."

"Beautiful day out today isn't it?" 

I said to him with a smile.
He looked at me, perplexity filling the silence. 

"It is.”

He said after thirty seven seconds. Then,

 “That'll be twelve ni-" 

"Ninety six, yes I heard you. I do need a favor. Can you do me a favor, friend?
Answer me one question. 
Are you a liar?" 

"What?" 

"Lie. Do you lie?" 

"Sir, that'll be twelve ninety six." 

He repeated again and began to reach beneath the counter. I push a fold of bills onto the counter. 

"Do you lie?" 

He looked at my face. Taken aback by the amount of money he froze and looked at me.
But never my eyes.

"Depends on what the favor is.” 

He said, sliding the money slowly off the counter.
I smiled. 

"Well… do you see me?" 

I watched it slowly formulate in him. 
He shook his head slowly and said,

"No." 

I smiled my winning smile and left the store. 

I went around back and found an outhouse. 
This would do. I thought. 
I sat on the toilet, took off my shirt and folded it up. I bit down onto the bloody cloth as I seared the flesh of the maimed hand with the red hot pocket knife. Then doused the flesh with alcohol.
 Then I tore the old shirt into strips and wrapped one strip around the hand again. 
Fresh. 
I did the same to the stab wounds. 
The pain was the worst of it.

I limped my way back to the road.
Refreshed.
The bag of chips covered my maimed hand and I walked down the road sticking out the thumb of my good hand 
when an old semi pulled over and the window rolled down.
A chubby man with the face of an old baby pulled shades down to reveal small pig-like eyes. 
Hungry eyes.
He licked him wormy lips and scratched at the scruff beneath his folds of neck.

"Need a ride?" 

I smiled. 

"You came just in time." 

I said and climbed in.